It's been a while. Since, the writing--in here. With a blog titled, "Dear Diary" I wanted to write, "Dear Diary, my mother passed away less than a month ago and I'm finding it hard to write. Why does grief take up so much room in my head? Why does it feel like such a relief to write what I'm thinking in my paper journal with my pen, but when it comes to typing in this Diary---I just don't want to?" And that's a problem, for a writer. "Writer's block" seems to take on a whole new, debilitating strength after the loss of a loved one. It makes me think of the children's book I used to read to my children called, Sometimes I Like to Curl Up in a Ball by Vicki Churchill & Charles Fuge. For some reason, when I'm sad or overwhelmed, I want to get as small as I can. And, in an effort to get as small as I can I pull in my arms and legs and tuck my chin down. It's hard to write when you're in a ball. Writing is an extension of who I am and I suppose stretching myself out so publicly on a page is simply unappealing. It's the last thing I want to do because, well--when you lose someone you love you really don't want to do much at all. But I'm still a mother, wife, sister, friend, neighbor, volunteer, citizen and, still, I am a daughter--with all that continues to come with such a role even without the mother to show for anymore. Loss happens and then--weeks, months, years later the essence of it still lingers. In sentimental human ways and in demandingly impersonal, bureaucratic ways. It suddenly shows up when you least expect it and seems to have abated only to soon make it clear it has not. And so this blog post is me putting the key in the ignition, turning with a sigh and knowing I need to turn the engine over every now and then to be sure the car will run in the future even if my heart just isn't in it today. But it will be. I have to believe that. I need to try to not look too long into the void or it will swallow me. We humans have a habit of steering into what we're staring into. That's dangerous. So, I need to know the void is there in order not to fall into it and then avert my eyes, focus on the living, put one foot in front of the other and walk towards the light no matter how far off it appears at this moment. Easier said than done. I know. But, it's a start:) As many of you know, the other hat I wear is Founder and Director of The Room to Write, which is a nonprofit that supports writers of all ages, abilities and means. So, it makes sense to share things that I think will benefit other writers and readers on my author site as well. This event definitely falls into that category. Here are the details: TRtW thought it would be fun to coordinate a Writers and Illustrators Meet & Greets--with a twist. In addition to the actual meeting "event" with writers and illustrators of all genres and levels, The Room to Write wants to do a little extra to celebrate the books created and published by local authors and illustrators during two very challenging years as well as those being released in the year ahead. (2020, 2021, & 2022) BEFORE: Wed, January 26th: Receive the meeting link by emailing: colleen@theroomtowrite.org Published authors and illustrators can send a video where they show us and tell us about their book. Sending the video ahead is our preference so we can show them during the event. Please send your 30-60 second Video through We Transfer to ryan.boyd@wcat.tv. Video Instructions: LIGHTS: Be sure lighting is taken into consideration. You don't want to be sitting in the dark with big shadows. CAMERA: For those recording on a cell phone, please be sure the camera is held horizontally. (Hamburger no Hotdog) This will give the audience the best view of each author. ACTION: Please be sure to record in a spot that has minimal sound. Speak slowly and clearly. Ideas: Hold the book up, show your smile (or scowl:) and be sure to tell us your name, the book title, where you live (town/city is fun, but county, region or state will do). Tell us about your book. It's great practice to see what you can fit into 60 seconds or less. The genre? Age of intended audience? Is it a debut novel or your fifth? Date of publication? ON: Wed, January 26th at 7:00pm: Join us for a virtual Meet & Greet where we will highlight recently published books by local authors and illustrators and enjoy creative community. Didn’t publish, but would like to learn about recently released books by fellow artists or gather some motivation to continue with or finish your current work in progress? Gathering among other creative minds helps-- even if you're shy and just want to listen and absorb some positive energy. Published? Published authors can show up and share a book during the meeting. Sharing will be limited to 60 seconds maximum whether live or pre-recorded. You'll have more time to share and answer questions during the Meet & Greet. We will add any additional Show & Tell spots to the existing video to be shared after the event. AFTER: Wed, January 26th: If you don't get your video to us prior to the meeting and are not able to join the event, please follow the instructions above to be added afterwards. This video will be a helpful resource that can be added to for up to two weeks after the meeting, so by Wed, February 9th. We'll send out an updated version on Valentine's Day with all the local authors we love and support! A little over two months ago I set out to create a blanket--for myself. I haven't done that since the '90s! Post-2000, my blankets have usually been for new or approaching babies. I made one for a cousin's birthday. A few starts remain undone for one reason or another--like abandoned manuscripts tossed into a drawer. Shortly before the new year arrived, I tied the last knot in the blanket I started in October. It's warm. It's cheery. And, it's the perfect size for sitting on the couch, kicking up my feet and fully covering me from pointed toe to tucked chin. It's bitterly cold today. My thermometer reads 5 degrees. Hats, gloves, coats: ON. Heat: UP. A constant purr in the background. I hope you have something cozy to snuggle with today. One stitch at a time may seem slow, but Cozy Rosy is proof that-- even the long, cold days eventually come to an end. Keep going. One stitch at a time. One day at a time. One thought. One word. One -- soon equals five, then ten. You'll have something to spread out and be grateful for when it's just you, your creation, and old man Winter. Truly, there is something about having a room of one's own. Not in the same sense that my daughter wants a room of her own. She does have her own corner in a room she shares. And really, that is all I'm talking about here: a corner. This room is not mine, though it feels like it is right now. It is a shared room where my aunt visiting from Mississippi was able to sleep this past summer, a family friend who plows in the winter can lay his head, and where my husband has worked daily since he was sent home from his office space back in March 2020. The cat often stretches out in here, too. But, recently this space became "available" three days a week. The only thing missing? A desk--or a table to write on. Yesterday I pulled a TV table up to a chair, but I needed something a bit more permanent and less chaotic. Something shoved into the corner would be out of the way and much more functional. Not enough is said about the beauty of corners. So snug. Able to corral thoughts and papers together. Concentration-friendly. A shelter. For fifty-eight dollars and tax, I found an adorable, functional desk that fit into the 36-ish inches of space I had available to work with. I didn't know most desks were 40+ inches, so there were not many options. But, I love the one I snagged. So now: a small space: an in-house efficiency in which to work, to write, to contemplate and to create. Might help make all the difference. We shall see. Yes. You guessed it. A deadline is a writer's best friend. Writers need deadlines, even self-imposed ones. If you're like me and you still manage to slip by the guards, you may need to toss in a dash of public accountability. This is where my critique group has been key to progress. I write the words down, but I seriously doubt I'd have brought two novels into the world with one in the oven if the deadline of a monthly critique group didn't force me to write. But, for a slacker and master procrastinator like me--it's still not enough. I don't want to painfully squeeze out a chapter here and a blog entry there under duress, the sharp curve of a swinging pendulum slowly descending upon me. After all--I like writing. I love it. It's the very air that I breathe. So, why do I avoid it like a teenage crush: hiding behind my locker door, slipping into class and slumping in my seat, pretending to read to avoid unintentional eye contact? Fear. I think I'm afraid. There, I've said it. Perhaps this is the imposter syndrome I've heard about. Whatever I've written up until the next moment I write that is at all entertaining, enjoyable or that somehow seems to be making sense as a cohesive story is clearly a fluke. Dumb luck. Chance. My streak is sure to run out and I fear that the next time I sit down to write I just won't do the rest of the piece justice. Perhaps that's why revision can sometimes seem more attractive as a task because I've already figured out the full story, the characters and most details. I simply need to polish them up, perhaps shift them around--or maybe rewrite whole passages entirely. But, this ends now. (I hope:) With the new year standing right outside my door, I am going to rely on a writer's second best friend: a closed door to a quiet space. Eureka! Only days ago (two to be exact:) did I discover that my husband, who had been occupying the "office" space in our house for the better part of the last two years--while I took up residence in the equivalent of a busy hotel lobby in our living room--is now in the "real" office three days a week. The room that had been "his" can be adopted and adapted as "ours." What a discovery. It only took me two full months to realize it. So, I go into the new year with new hope that I can ignore my fears, pay more attention to deadlines and more consciously enter a room where writing happens--not laundry or phone calls or dishes or a cat being adorable. Just writing. Here's to finding some space for passion in the new year. And deadlines! I gave myself twenty minutes to write this:) It may not be perfect, but it's done. I love the Peanuts cartoons and always have to watch Merry Christmas Charlie Brown when the holiday season rolls around. It's a wonderful, quiet nod to the real reason for the Christmas season and how community can lift us up, little things can mean a lot, and the underdogs in our lives can surprise us and save the day! During such challenging times, fear can start making our decisions for us. That's not a good thing. The ever-present essence of fear in the air lately makes me appreciate the page from my Our Daily Bread book that I have included alongside this entry. Linus takes center stage and speaks so simply. I hope that whatever faith you practice you are able to take strength from it, lean on something larger than any of us and shed some of the fear that we have all come to live with constantly. I have faith that something is going to give and we will start to feel some relief from so much stress in the new year: 2022! Good times are ahead where we will be able to let go a little, enjoy the moments as they present themselves to us, and live fearlessly. Happy New Year to you and all the family and friends in your life. You've heard me mention tea before. I drink it. And sometimes--the teabag tag has a bit of wisdom inscribed on the back. Recently I was sipping a cup of Echinacea tea with honey and felt like the universe was speaking to me through a tea tag. The tag read, "Are not flowers the stars of the earth? - Clara Lucas Balfour" Yes!! I love flowers and earth--and stars, but what really struck me about this particular quote was how relevant it was to the current middle grade manuscript I am working on. So relevant, really, that I immediately pictured this quote situated, as you see so often, at the beginning of a book--after the dedication, but before the very first chapter--setting the tone and atmosphere through which the author wants you to walk on your way to reading the very first words of the story in your hands. I feel that quote is the effervescence (had to look that word up:) I want spritzed all around the reader a split second before they begin digesting the very first words of my novel: Secret Lives of Leaves. What is Secret Lives of Leaves about, you ask? Well, it's my answer to the Secret Garden, which I felt was too much about the secret and not enough about the garden. My Work-In-Progress starts out with a boy who is obsessed with outer space (planets, stars, rocket ships--the whole nine!) and there is a progression toward realizing that Earth (that planet we all live on) can be equally fascinating and ripe for discovery. A classic "don't know what you have 'til it's gone" type mentality or "it was with you all the time" or "should have looked in your own back yard"--that sort of thing. Indeed, "Are not flowers the stars of the earth?" hits all the right notes of my middle grade novel and might even serve as a pitch except for the copyright conflict. Not knowing a lot about the author, Clara Lucas Balfour, I looked her up and found the extended version of the quote--which would never have fit on my tea bag tag--but I will end with it here: “What a desolate place would be a world without a flower! It would be a face without a smile, a feast without a welcome. Are not flowers the stars of the earth, and are not our stars the flowers of the heaven.” – Clara Lucas Balfour
So lovely. Have you ever found yourself moving right along at a gallop and then all of a sudden you look down and there's no horse beneath you and kerplunk--you land with a thud? Well, that is exactly what happened to me towards the end of October and the start of November. Life as (un)usual seems to have picked up. Additionally, anybody who is a parent, grandparent or who helps care for kids may have experienced a bit of whiplash with the increase in social and extracurricular activities for youth that suddenly increased this fall, especially juxtaposed with last year's halt (or virtual equivalent) of nearly everything. And, it wasn't just my kids who had more things on the calendar. Theatres opened up, concert venues welcomed musicians back, festivals were held, book clubs returned and the nonprofit that I direct came out of hibernation. The Room to Write participated in the Festival by the Lake--the first event for the nonprofit in over a year--at the beginning of October. It was great, but it sure was busy. A cup that had been three-quarters full already had suddenly started running over. I was completely overwhelmed with so many different needs in so many completely different directions. My self-managed writing projects (manuscript content and revisions, blog entries, newsletters, poetry) went back on the shelf not long after I had hoped to make them a priority. Kids back in school seemed like a big window was opening, but it filled almost instantly with things I decided were more important. Sometimes they were. Sometimes they weren't. The internet can be a wonderful thing and yet it is a procrastinator's dream. I love to garden and find myself looking up plants and information on gardening when I feel overwhelmed by too many needs pressing in around me. With an endless variety of plants, dreaming up gardens is an easy way to fall down the black hole of time. Bringing kids here, there and everywhere--another frequent time warp tunnel for me. Answering emails, coordinating meetings or events, and "looking" at things for others who ask me to edit a document are other ways that time is quickly siphoned off of my days. So, where do I go from here? I'm not sure. I need to make a schedule, but more importantly I need to try to follow a schedule. I've discovered I'm a terrible self-manager. If somebody asks me to do something, consider it done! But, without a deadline or someone on the other end waiting for my writing--it gets pushed aside. Once again, this highlights the importance of a critique group and reminds me why I am so thankful for mine. We meet monthly and I facilitate the meetings, so it forces me to make progress on my manuscript even if only in bite-sized portions. It helps that I coordinate and run the meetings because then I make them a priority. Others are counting on me. Yesterday I met with two writers. What a boost! It felt so good to talk about writing and new ways to bring writing into the community, encourage others to tell stories, and to write them down. Tomorrow I meet with another writer I haven't connected with in over a year and I am really looking forward to it. I feel like there's an exchange of energy when I meet with other writers--it's a give and a take for both of us. It's something that I haven't found a consistent pace with, but would like to incorporate into my life more often. These meetings used to happen more regularly pre-pandemic when workshops, conferences and other events took place. But we are not quite beyond the pandemic and so we creatives need to coordinate our own one-off collaborations and meetups. Hopefully I can find the balance that keeps my cup full but not running over. What's your self-management secret? :) I am all in on the cozy factor of fall. About a million years ago my grandmother taught me how to make a crochet chain and then in high school (or college) a friend showed me and a few other friends a crochet stitch that could be used to make an entire blanket. That one stitch has served me well and I have made a blanket for each of my children and some other family members. Walking into a store last week I saw a gigantic ball of yarn and had to have it, partly because looking at it just made me smile--it was the biggest ball of yarn I've ever seen in some of my favorite shades of rose. It's nice to have something simple to do on a chilly day, to pick up and put down and that will give the mind a rest and eventually be something--whole. So, I purchased "Cozy Rosy," as I now refer to her, and she is a good companion along with my family when we watch a little baseball or a show that I don't have to follow closely. Cozy Rosy is also a good reminder that a novel starts with one word, one sentence, one page and one chapter. Slowly but surely--little bits of writing or small works of art can amount to something to spread out, look at and enjoy! Hope you are cozy and rosy this fall.:) |
Archives
April 2024
Categories
All
|